Thou Shalt Not Discuss Porn with Thy Spouse

One morning after a particularly satisfying nookie session, I curled up with DH and not-so-innocently asked him four fateful words: “Do you watch porn?”

I have never seen him look so terrified in his life.  Ladies, try it with your husbands and see if you get the same reaction.

My curiosity was fueled by this piece in Philly Mag, about women being shocked to find evidence that their husbands were engaging in some X-rated viewing without their knowledge.  Read the article to see what happens when one wife tries to trick her husband — it’s hilarious.

But back to my husband.  “Of course I watch porn,” he replied.  “I have a penis.”

I don’t know if I’m willing to buy that all men watch porn, although I haven’t yet met a man who will admit that he isn’t interested.  I do believe from personal experience that many women aren’t into it.  We ladies tend to prefer literary stimulation, and a lot of us will pass up watching real live people doing it to imagining Christian Grey flogging us to orgasm.

But in general, I think it’s fair to say that most married men who watch porn don’t want their wives to know.  And that would seem to include my husband.  The man whose wife will have sex with him every day, who has a hall pass to sleep with any woman he wants, who is married to a sex blogger, for crying out loud — even this man will not discuss watching porn with his wife.

People, why are we not discussing porn consumption with our spouses?

Ladies, how much of this is because we’re worried that we don’t measure up to the surgically enhanced contortionists our guys are watching on screen?  If we have these concerns, do we actually bring them up with our husbands or just assume they prefer the unattainable hotties?  Or, do we feel threatened that our hubbies might want to cheat on us with women who don’t have baby bellies (I know, I still have a baby belly and my baby turns 10 next week — and she’s adopted) or cellulite?  Are we worried that our men prefer the on-screen fantasy to the in-bed reality?  Do they?

Gentlemen (and I’m convinced that you all are gentlemen, even if you read a sex blog): Why don’t you want to admit that you watch this stuff?  Do you think your wife would rip you a new one?  Are you watching to get some relief because you don’t have sex as often with your wife as you’d like, and that’s difficult for the two of you to discuss?  Have you seen things you’d like to try, but you’re afraid your wife will smack you upside the head with a frying pan if you ask her?

I’m trying to figure out why we don’t talk to our spouses about porn.

In my case, DH knows it doesn’t bother me that he watches it.  (I agree with him, “Porn is definitely better for the soul than ‘Jersey Shore’.”)  I’m not worried that he’s going to want something I can’t give him.  As long as he covers his tracks so Gigi and Cece don’t accidentally come across porn, I’m fine with his using our family desktop computer for it.

My one concern is that there are probably nights where he is enjoying porn on the computer when I’d rather he enjoy me in our bedroom.  It’s a blow to the ego to realize that some nights he might prefer the fantasy to his reality.  I look at all the pink on the tracker and wonder, which nights was he getting off on watching other people doing it instead of doing it with me?

That’s not your problem, I know.  You don’t have a tracker.

So, seriously, let’s head to the comments section and talk about why we don’t talk about porn with our spouses.  As for us, one of the items DH agreed to on my checklist was “watch porn with Jennie.”  When I reminded him about that, he gave me the look of terror again.  Well, I still want to watch with him and see how the look on his face changes.  Will we?  Stay tuned.